When I was a little girl, my mother always told me that no one would ever love me. She meant this in not the way most people would think, she compared it to the love she has for me & the love my family should have for me–that any man who says he loves me….that it would not even compare. As I grew older, I would be told that so constantly, even to this day even after I have someone I love who loves me the same. I’ve always had a difficult time believing her when she’d say that, & I’m happy I did have that doubt because it would’ve made me into a bitter person. My mother I feel, has a reason for continuously saying that to me, & it is because she wants to protect me, an obvious reason. I’m glad that she was wrong or else I never would’ve been able to feel romantic love.
I was a hopeless romantic as a child & a teen. This was reinforced by the phrase my mother always told me. I looked for it in books, in shows, & was looking for something like what they had described in reality but could not find it. I wasn’t particularly bothered that I couldn’t find it, I didn’t know how it felt to long after someone nor be attracted to anybody. I was honestly convinced I was asexual, as I was in high school & all of my peers have had their share of relationships while I had nothing. I was popular but always rejected advances & if not, would try but I was never attracted to anybody. That’s why when my present boyfriend came into the picture, it was life-changing.
I feel the history behind my mother telling me those things & me having to be able to consciously ignore it has to do with my father. He was a cheater & I constantly saw him fight with my mother. She often took me on trips following him to catch him with another women, then subsequently confronting him, in front of me, in front of everyone, & using me as a pawn to make him feel ashamed of himself. She would say in her native language, “Look at your daughter! How could you do this to us?” I look back & I don’t remember what feeling I felt besides something akin to awkwardness but quite not. This would happen from my elementary years, to my preteen, & to my teen years. From then on because of those incidents, I believe men to be trifling, dishonest, and cheaters. That’s what held me from ever allowing love to come into my life.
Now, my life has changed. I have someone I believe who loves me, even better than most of my family has ever loved me. Someone who takes care of me & loves me more than himself. I stood up to my mother, saying not all men are bad, she just so happened to be unlucky. I validated her feelings though, as she had a right to feel that way but also that I did not have to feel the same way as her as I hadn’t even lived out my life yet or experienced my life. That it was wrong of her to push that belief onto me instead of myself figuring it out on my own. What she should’ve done is shared her experiences with me but still be open to the fact that it could be different for me or that it could’ve been different for her. Also if I were at an appropriate age that would’ve helped too, & without the public shame as well. I’m glad I believe in love now.